Just a ghost
by Mierke
Summary: When Buffy said she'd been in heaven, she actually meant Serenity.
1. Chapter 1

She watched as the portal whirled away. Intellectually she knew that she was falling, and not the portal, but it felt like the portal was moving away from her. Where was it going? Or was she going? Buffy shook her head. Trying to think about this was _not_ a good idea. She decided to just watch the whirling and swirling portal. It was kind of pretty actually.

Then she suddenly realized she should be scared. Right? She was probably dying, leaving behind everything and everyone she loved. But she was curious where she was gonna end up. Would she go to heaven? She deserved heaven, right? But this _was_ some sort of demonic portal, so she could end up in hell. Or in some other dimension all together.

Finally there came an end to all the whirling. Or, the whirling stepped from the portal and crept into her. Was she the one who was whirling all along, and was the portal the thing that stood still after all?

Anyway, she was whirling. Dancing round and round, and it felt good. Buffy couldn't remember the last time she had felt this free. She closed her eyes to just_ feel_ this moment.

Suddenly she felt someone around her.

"Hi, pretty," came a definite feminine voice from behind her.

The shock forced Buffy's eyes open and she turned around to see a brunette with a big smile. She was holding something Buffy couldn't place, but it looked like a part of an engine or something.

"Whatcha doing here?"

Buffy just looked at her, completely in shock. Who was this girl? Why was she calling her 'pretty'? Where did she end up? It was only then that she turned to look at her surroundings, which she didn't recognize at all. Was this heaven?

"Where am I?" she asked tentatively to the woman.

"Who are you?" she added, wanting to know who her guide in this place would be.

"I'm Kaylee," the other woman said. "And you're on Persephone. Are you feeling okay?"

Buffy shook her head. "Is this heaven?"

Kaylee laughed out loud. "Heaven? Not very likely. Have you hit your head? Will you come with me, so Simon can check you out? He's our doctor."

Buffy let herself be led to… to what exactly? She looked shell-shocked at the thing before her. Was that a spaceship? Buffy laughed at her ridiculous assumption, but just to be sure, she asked Kaylee what year it was.

"It's 2520. How come you don't know that?"

But Buffy had fainted before she could answer Kaylee's question.

When Buffy opened her eyes, she saw a white room and a lot of people standing around her.

"Simon, she's waking up," she heard Kaylee say. Someone in a lab coat, probably Simon, bended over her.

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

Buffy was so dumbstruck by everything that was happening, that it was difficult to speak. She just looked at all the people around her, trying to recall what had happened. Then, remembering what Kaylee had said to her just before she passed out, she asked again: "What year is it?"

Kaylee whispered something to Simon, who said: "It's 2520."

Buffy shook her head. "This can't be," she whispered. "This can't be." But there was this little voice in the back of her head asking her: "Why can't it be? If there exists a universe with a vampire Willow, who can cross over to your universe, why couldn't you end up in 2520?"

She noticed everyone looking worried at her and only then realized Simon had asked her a question. "Sorry, what?"

"Can you remember your name?"

"Of course I can, I'm not stupid. My name is Buffy."

"Well, Buffy, I think you bumped your head. Kaylee told me you didn't know you were on Persephone and by now you have asked twice what year it is. Do you know where your family lives?"

"Sure, in Sunnydale."

Everyone looked at her with question marks in her eyes.

"You know, in California? The United States? The most important country on Earth?"

Now they were actually gaping at her. She heard the woman with curly hair whisper to the man beside her: "To ma duh, did she just say Earth?"

A tiny voice floated into the room. "She's not real, she's like a ghost, dancing on the stars."

The people in the room looked at each other and back to Buffy. One by one they seemed to be asking themselves what to do with the stranger on the ship. The girl with the tiny voice walked gracefully to the hospital bed Buffy was lying on.

"Just a ghost, just a ghost, twirling round and round until she floats back to the ground."

Buffy looked at her. "You creep me out."

She then turned to the rest of the crew. "She creeps me out."

A man with short dark brown hair stepped forward. "I'm Mal, the captain here. I think you should get some rest now."

Hastily, like they were scared of her somehow, everyone left the room. Only Kaylee lingered a little longer. "You'll be okay. Simon's a great doctor. Don't you mind River. She can be a little crazy sometimes. You rest now, okay?"


	2. Chapter 2

Buffy closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but that wasn't easy. There were too many things floating through her head. Was that girl, River Kaylee called her, really crazy? A ghost, that's what she should be. She should have died instead of ending up here, in 2520. What was she doing here? Would her friends have figured out by now that she wasn't really dead? And, if River wasn't crazy, but psychic, did that mean that she would go back to Earth?

So many questions were going through her head, and she hadn't an answer to any of them. She tried to relax, to think happy thoughts. Immediately Kaylee's face popped up in her mind's eye. Kaylee had been so sweet to her and she was really pretty.

Again Buffy shook her head. What was happening to her? Wasn't she not only transported to 2520, but turning gay too? Then again, if she were honest with herself, having feelings for a girl wouldn't be the first time. She closed her eyes and let herself imagine Kaylee beside her, talking to her, holding her hand. Not long after she finally fell asleep.

When she woke up, there was someone in the room.

"Hi, how're you feeling?"

Kaylee was standing beside her, smiling at her. "You okay?"

Buffy smiled, almost wanting to say: "I am now," but instead she said: "I'm all right, I guess. It's all a bit much."

Kaylee pulled up a chair. "Yeah, for us too. Did you mean it when you said you came from Earth? Because Jayne ain't believing a word you're saying. He's walking 'round like a madman, saying we should just kill you, because you're obviously a threat. But I don't know, you don't seem like a threat. And River seems to think you ain't lying, and River is usually right about those things. The Captain and Zoe are still talking about you, figuring out what to do with you."

Buffy laughed. "Do you always talk this much or is this a special occasion?"

Kaylee shrugged. "I'm always glad when I have someone to talk to on here. I'm like the only girl. There's Zoë, but she's so tough that I find it hard to talk to her. Plus, she's got Wash, so she doesn't really have time for little me. River can be fun, but it's not easy talking to someone you don't quite understand, you know? And Inara is great, she really is, but she's not just imy/i friend. I'd like to have someone for myself. Does that sound stupid or selfish? Besides, I like you, you're pretty and nice."

"It's not selfish. It's nice to have someone to talk to, someone who you can really trust. And that's easier when you don't have to share him or her. Could you tell me a bit about this place? This… thing we're on?"

"A thing? Don't you dare call Serenity a thing!" Kaylee exclaimed. "She's the finest ship you'll ever meet."

"So, it is a spaceship," whispered Buffy. "That's just insane. Xander would have loved to see this."

"Who is Xander?" asked Kaylee. "That your boyfriend? 'Cause that would be a shame."

Buffy decided to store that last remark away for later to chew on. "No, he's just a friend. I… I left some friends behind, on Earth. I don't really want to talk about it."

She turned her head away, so Kaylee wouldn't see the tears that were starting to fall. For the first time since she jumped in the portal, she really missed her friends. Would they be doing well without her? Would they miss her?

She was so lost in thoughts she nearly fell out of her bed when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Come here," Kaylee said and pulled her into a hug. "It'll be okay."

But that night Buffy wondered if everything would be okay. Thankfully Mal en Zoe had decided she could stay on the ship for a while, as long as she wasn't in the way. They didn't believe a word she had said though. Mal had said that it was okay if she wanted to hide things, as long as he didn't suffer from it. When he had said that, he had looked strangely at the priest on board, but Buffy was too relieved to think about that.

Later River had come whispering again, about the stars, and a ghost, and feet on the ground. Now she was really scared. What did it mean? Did it mean anything? Did it mean what she hoped it meant?

It had been a long time since she was this scared. Death hadn't scared her anymore. She knew that eventually she would get there anyway, even though she tried to fight it with every breath and with every step she took. It didn't scare her anymore. There was only one thing that scared her senseless and that was loneliness. Here, in outer space, 500 years away from home, she felt all alone.

All she could do was cry, while she thought that she would have been better off dead. What should she do here, in space? What was here for her? Then she remembered the feeling of Kaylee's skin on her, while they hugged and she relaxed a little. The memory of Kaylee's smile calmed her down.

She replayed the scene of that afternoon in her head. Kaylee not so subtly asking if she had a boyfriend was a bit strange. She was never courted by a girl before, even though she wasn't exactly sure that was what Kaylee was doing.

"Probably just wishful thinking," she told herself. And when she finally fell asleep, she dreamt of kissing Kaylee while River's voice was floating through the air. "Just a ghost, just a ghost, just a ghost…"


	3. Chapter 3

Weeks passed by and Buffy adjusted to life on the Firefly. She still didn't quite understand Chinese, but she could grasp the meanings of the words they said. When Zoe and Mal would go out on a job, she'd take Kaylee into the town to look at the stores, or they'd play a game together.

One day she and Kaylee decided to go out. Buffy was happy to be out of Serenity for a while.

"Don't get me wrong," she said to Kaylee. "I love being on Serenity. But sometimes I like having ground under my feet, you know?"

Kaylee laughed.

"You're still not used to being in space, are you?"

Buffy shook her head, then shrugged.

"Not really. It's still so strange. Where I come from, spaceships only exist in stories, they're not real. I mean, our scientist still believe that it's impossible to live somewhere else than on Earth! And now look at me. I live on a spaceship and I've been to so many different planets that I can't even remember which one I'm walking on right now."

"Jiangyin", Kaylee said.

"Huh?"

"The planet you're walking on right now," Kaylee explained. "It's called Jiangyin."

"Jiangyin? That's Chinese, right?"

On Kaylee's nod, she added: "Does it have some exciting stores?"

Kaylee laughed and pointed at the gift shop.

"We could see if they have something nice there."

Together they browsed the store. Buffy saw a lot of things she couldn't recognize at all. She picked up a cube with all kinds of Chinese characters on it. Before she could say something about it to Kaylee, two men entered the store, both carrying guns.

"Down!" they yelled.

Buffy looked at Kaylee, who seemed extremely terrified, standing close to the register. She wanted to give her a hug, but she didn't think it'd be a good idea, since she'd have to cross the entire store to be next to her.

The two men pointed their gun at the man behind the register and demanded the money. He just stood there, and Buffy wondered whether he was too scared or too dumb to give them the cash.

One of the men got tired of waiting and snatched Kaylee, pointed his gun at her head and said: "The money or she's dead."

Even before he could finish his sentence, Buffy had gotten up from her position on the ground and attacked him. Flipping his arm behind his back she made him drop the gun, which she kicked away.

"Run!" she screamed to Kaylee, who was staring at her with wide open eyes.

"Just go!"

Seeing the other man ready to fire his gun, she threw the man who had held Kaylee captive to his accomplice. Not bothering to check if her tactic worked, she ran out of the store, wanting to hold Kaylee and assure herself she was okay.

She grabbed Kaylee by the hand, ran all the way back to Serenity, trying to keep her pace slow enough for Kaylee to keep up. When she felt safe enough she turned around and hugged Kaylee.

"I was scared something would happen to you," she whispered.

Kaylee hugged her back, just as fiercely.

"You could have gotten yourself killed!" she exclaimed. "How did you do that?"

Buffy shrugged, not wanting to explain about Slayers and her supernatural strength.

When Mal and Zoe got back from their job, Buffy had almost forgotten about what happened, or at least her own part in what had happened. But Kaylee hadn't.

"You should have seen her!" she told the crew, and Mal and Zoe looked curiously at Buffy. "These men were bigger than her and they had guns, but she took them out as if it was nothing!"

Buffy cringed, afraid she'd have to come up with some kind of explanation about what happened.

"I've had a lot of martial arts training," she explained lamely. "Life was dangerous as hell where I come from."

At least that part is true, she thought bitter. Zoe and Mal seemed to accept that without question; obviously life was dangerous on many of the planets in this world too.

"We can always use someone with surprising power," Mal said. "How'd you like to be a part of my crew?"


	4. Chapter 4

Buffy agreed, glad to have something to do. The guilt of leaving everything behind and starting a new life, 500 years away, was always somewhere in the back of her mind. And though she kept telling herself that it wasn't exactly her choice to end up on Serenity, it didn't help. It hurt to think about what she did to her friends, what she did to Dawn. She had lost her mother and her sister in a few months and Buffy was afraid of what it would do to her.

So, to forget all those feelings, she worked hard and steady. And life with Kaylee had become better and better. It's not like anything had happened yet, but they were friends, good friends. They often laughed together, told each other stories.

Kaylee wanted to know everything about Earth, believed her because River believed her. So Buffy told Kaylee about her life, about her friends, her high school. She talked about how different things were there, how they moved differently, ate differently, led totally different lives.

She didn't say a word about the supernatural, until Kaylee one day asked how she had ended up on Persephone.

"You want to know the truth?" Buffy asked. "Even if you probably won't understand it?"

Kaylee nodded. They were lying on Kaylees bed, where they often spend a great part of the night talking. Buffy always retreated to her own quarters at the end of those hours of talking, even though she'd love to sleep next to Kaylee.

"I'll try to make it as simple as I can, okay? But it's rather complicated."

Kaylee laughed and pushed her. "Just start talking already!"

"I had a sister, Dawn. She was… special."

"Special how? Special like River?"

Buffy thought about that. "Something like that. Special in a way that it could be dangerous for her if people found out what she was."

Buffy fell silent and Kaylee turned to look at her. "Someone did find out, right?"

Buffy nodded. "It was awful. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't save her in time and they had already cut her open… The only thing I could think of was sacrifice myself for her, that was the only thing that would work. I didn't want her to die!"

She cried and this time she didn't try to hide it from Kaylee. She buried herself in her arms and let herself feel the pain. "I'm not even sure if it worked. I jumped and then I ended up here and I have no idea how she is. I just left her and I feel so guilty."

Kaylee rocked her, holding her in her arms. "Shhh… I'm not gonna pretend I really understood anything of what you were saying, but what I can figure is that you tried to save your sister. That's brave and a beautiful thing to do. There's no need to feel guilty."

She pressed her lips to Buffy's forehead and kissed her. "It's okay, bao bei. It's okay."

"I just left her there," Buffy cried. "I should have been up there sooner…"

Kaylee kissed her tears away. "Don't you cry, bao bei, don't you cry. You did everything you could. You're a good person; you always put yourself behind others. You saved me too, remember?"

Buffy looked up to her, momentarily forgetting all her grief and pain. "You really think I'm a good person?"

Kaylee smiled. "I think you're a great person."

Buffy nestled herself in Kaylees arms and fell asleep there.

When Buffy awoke the next day, she found Kaylee looking at her. "Is my hair that bad?" she joked sleepily.

But Kaylee shook her head. "You're so pretty."

Buffy laughed. "I have bedhair, I slept in my clothes and I probably smell. Don't tell me you still think I'm pretty."

"But I do!" Kaylee insisted. And then, just to prove it, she kissed Buffy.

Buffy was taken back at first, but it didn't take her long to enjoy the moment. She kissed Kaylee back and sighed contently when the kiss ended.

"What a way to wake up," she smiled. "Can we do that again?"

Kaylee laughed and kissed her again. A bit unsure of what to do, Buffy opened her mouth a little bit and licked Kaylees lips. Kaylee responded immediately, slowly exploring Buffy's lips and mouth with her tongue.

Buffy pressed herself closer to Kaylee, wanting to feel every bit of her. It felt just like when she had first set foot on Persephone, whirling round and round and basking in the feel of freedom. Kissing Kaylee was just like that: there was no worry in the world, not one thought to haunt her head.

"Maybe," Buffy thought, when the kiss ended and she and Kaylee were just lying together, enjoying the feel of each other. "I did end up in heaven."


	5. Chapter 5

Buffy had come to love life on Serenity. She easily fitted in with the group, especially after everyone found out about her and Kaylee. She had been worried at first that it would freak them out, but they didn't even blink. That is, they had one by one come by to tell her that if she hurt Kaylee, they would tear her apart limb by limb, but for the rest it didn't matter to them. It even made them accept her more, as if by winning over Kaylees heart, she had won over everyone's heart.

She had spent almost twenty weeks on Serenity, when River repeated the rhyme she had uttered on the first day.

"Just a ghost, just a ghost, twirling round and round until she floats back to the ground."

Throughout the months Buffy had learned to trust River, to try and decipher what she was saying, because it always made sense in some way. She hoped to come to another conclusion then the one she had come to on the first day, when she thought that River was predicting her return to Earth. But no matter how she puzzled with the words and the meanings, she came to the same conclusion: her time on Serenity was limited and probably almost over.

River sat beside her, trying to communicate the things she had in her head. "The stars love you, but the ground is coming near. You're just a ghost, you're not supposed to be here."

River shook her head, as if she was trying to scramble the words, so she could get them out in a way that Buffy would understand. "They think fire's burning you, so they're trying to free you. They don't know that you're in the stars and that the stars are good for you."

River looked at her, her eyes pleading with Buffy to understand. Buffy hugged River and whispered: "Thanks for warning me."

"Kaylee, baby," Buffy called, still not speaking Chinese herself. "We need to talk."

Kaylee looked at her with big eyes, almost instantly in tears. "You're not dumping me, are you? Because I can be better if I'm not good enough. Am I not pretty enough?"

Buffy pulled her close and hugged her. "Silly, I'm not breaking up with you."

Kaylee calmed down, until Buffy said: "At least, not voluntarily."

Before Kaylee could erupt in another flood of words, Buffy kissed her. "Do you remember what River said to me, on the first day?"

Kaylee shook her head. "It didn't make sense to me, that's what I remember. Why?"

Buffy sighed unhappily. "She talked about me being a ghost, who would get her feet back on the ground eventually. This morning she came to me, to try and explain it more. I'm leaving Kay. I don't know when, but I know that it'll be sudden."

Kaylee looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You know how I told you that parts of my life are not easily understood?"

Kaylee nodded.

"I have friends who can do magic. They probably think I'm in some sort of hell and they're trying to get me out of it. According to River, it won't take them much longer to figure it out and then I'll be whisked away."

Buffy was crying now. She didn't want to leave Kaylee behind, she didn't want to leave anything behind. Life wasn't perfect here on Serenity, but it was a life where she didn't have to risk her life every day. Where she wasn't responsible for the whole world, where she didn't have to fight demons and where she had real friends. Her friends in Sunnydale had become so different lately; they were each leading their own lives. It was like they weren't really a group anymore.

"I don't want to go back, I really don't, but they're not giving me a choice, Kay."

Kaylee nodded and smiled through her tears. "Let's make the best of the time we have left then, bao bei."

They had just landed on Persephone and that night they went back to the place where they had first met. They whirled round and round and round, until they were so dizzy they couldn't stand anymore and fell down. They crept in each other's arms and made love until the sun rose.

And then, suddenly, just when they were kissing, Buffy felt herself being pulled away. "I love you Kay, always remember that."

She awoke in a coffin with tears on her face. Disoriented, she used her anger to crawl out of the tiny space she woke up in and tried to put the pieces together. She walked around Sunnydale in a daze, only partly recognizing her friends, feeling lost and lonely. Then, like a whisper on the wind, she could swear she heard Kaylee.

"I love you too, bao bei. I love you too."


End file.
